Investment Jokes

Some days the market makes you want to cry. Hopefully these investment jokes will make you laugh instead. Enjoy...

investment jokes

For Sale: John Deere Tractor.

Runs good. Missing steering wheel and seat. Ideal for the person who has lost his ass and doesn't know which way to turn.


At The Bank

I went to the ATM this morning and it said "insufficient funds".

I'm wondering is it them or me?

Quote Of The Day

From a trader: "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."

Uncertainty Hits Japan

In the last seven days, Origami bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was also announced that Karaoke Bank will go up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and investment analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

America vs Zimbabwe

Q: What’s the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean?

A: In a few weeks, nothing.

Investment Words Translations

CEOChief Embezzlement Officer
CFOCorporate Fraud Officer
Bull MarketA random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius
Bear MarketA 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex
Value InvestingThe art of buying low and selling lower
P/E RatioThe percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing
BrokerWhat my broker has made me
Standard & PoorYour life in a nutshell
Stock AnalystIdiot who just downgraded your stock
Stock SplitWhen your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves
Market CorrectionThe day after you buy stocks
Cash FlowThe movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet
ProfitAn archaic word no longer in use

Raise The Debt Ceiling Rap Video

Lots of investment jokes in the video. Our favorite line: "I got a monetary plan and it involves a lot of toner."

More Investment Jokes

Mike Scanlin is the founder of Born To Sell and has been writing covered calls for a long time.